Good guitar players are a dime a dozen in our churches these days. We need to change that. Here are some simple steps to become the worst guitar player your church has ever seen.
1.Don’t tune silently–there are a million ways to tune silently. If you are ambitious enough to really suck, don’t use any of them.
2.Put your capo a half step sharp–this always makes for great conversations after a worship service. Give everyone something to talk about. They will probably thank you and give you a key to the city for providing such a welcomed topic of discussion.
3.Use too much gain–nothing says “Praise Jesus” like the Metallica-like mid-scoop of the Boss MetalZone.
4.Don’t use enough gain– “I Am Free” sounds better with a Buddy Holly clean Strat sound.
5.Verses are meant for guitar solos–Your number one musical competitors are those well-intentioned people who hold microphones so that the congregation can sing along. They are your enemy. In order for us to reach new heights of suckiness, fight the vocals, never compliment them.
6.Insist you’re always right–even if you are a great player or even if you are right, there is nothing more annoying than the “my way or the highway” mentality. Master this, young Grasshopper, and you will reach your goal.
7.Be too loud–let’s face it, people want the soft piano intro for “I Can Only Imagine” drowned out with a huge E chord barreling through an amp turned to eleven. For best results, include power stance and a heavy dose of flanger effect.
7.Be too quiet–there is a volume sweet spot for every worship environment. Your job is to find it and get as far away from it as possible. Treat that sweet spot like the Swine Flu or road kill. If you are unfortunate enough to be anywhere near it, RUN.
8. Don’t ever use delay and don’t ever listen to The Edge–delay sounds too good and The Edge wouldn’t know bad tone if it hit him on the top of his beanie-capped head. Only listen to U2 when you want to know what not to do.